Men n Women
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Free Haircut!!!
There was a good old barber in ... where ever you are....
One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:
"I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I am doing a community service."
Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a "Thank You" card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber. He again refuses to take the money. The confectioner is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is another "Thank you" card and a dozen cakes waiting at his door.
A software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber, who again refuses the money saying that it was a community service. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there...............................
A DOZEN SOFTWARE ENGINEERS waiting for a free haircut... with print-outs of
forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut!!!!!!!
Preachers Ass
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.
To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The paper read:
PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The paper headline the next day read:
NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.
Next day, the headline in the paper read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
13 Things English Films Have Taught Us
1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have largered read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.
2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will notbe necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.
3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.
4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a banksecurity system or the communication system of an invading aliencivilization.
5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.
6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strangenoises in their most revealing underwear.
7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 menshooting at 1 man if he is the hero.
8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a stripjoint at least once.
9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by singlepeople with a low wage.
10) The entire British population lives in London.
11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial artsfight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dancearound you menacingly.
12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the wordsto the songs and the steps to the dances.
13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are notnecessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
Sick Leave Policy
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY
SICKNESS:
No excuse. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
AN OPERATION:
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
DEATH:
Other than your own:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
ALSO:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.
Life's calling, Where are you?
It's half past 8 in the office but the lights are still on..PCs still runnning, coffee machines still buzzing..and whose at work..Most of them??
Take a closer look.. All or most specimens are 20-something male species of the human race..look closer..again all or most of them are bachelors..and why are they sitting late? Working hard? No way!! Any guesses?? lets ask one of them..Here's what he says.."Arey yaar, whatz there 2 do after goin home..idhar to net hein, AC hein, phone hein, khaana hein, coffee hein.. to jam ke khaao, jam ke piyo(burps), jam se chatting/phone karo aur thak jaane par ghar jaao...aur boss bhi kush that i am working late... (burps) aur khaane ka paisa bhi bachtaa hein."
This is the scene in most software companies and other off-shore offices.
Bachelors "time-passing" during late hours in the office just bcoz they say they've nothing else to do..Now what r the consequences.. read on..."working"(for the record only) late hours soon becomes part of the company culture. With bosses more than eager to provide support to those "working" late in the form of taxi vouchers, food vouchers and of course good feedback,(oh, he's a hardworker..goes home only to change..!!) they arent helping things too..To hell with bosses who dont understand the difference between "sitting" late and "working" late!!
Very soon, the managers start expecting all employees to put in extra working hours. My dear Bachelor bhaais let me tell you, life changes when u get married and start having a family..office is no longer a prioroty, family is..and thats when the problem starts.bcoz u start having commitments at home too. For your boss, the earlier "hardworking" guy suddenly seems to become a "early leaver" even if u leave an hour after regular time..after doing the same amount of work, People leaving on time after doing ther taks for the day are labelled as work-shirkers..Girls who thankfully always leave on time are labelled as "not up to it". All the while, the bachelors pat their own backs and carry on "working" not realising that they r spoiling the work culture at their own place and never realise that they wuld have to regret at one point of time.
So bhaai log, what's the moral of the story.?? Very clear, LEAVE ON TIME!!
Never put in extra time unless really needed. Dont stay back un-necessarily and spoil your company work culture which will in turn cause inconvenience to you and your colleagues. There are hundred other things to do in the evening.. Learn music..Learn a foreign language..Try go-karting... Get a girl friend, take her around town. And for heaven's sake net cafe rates have dropped to an all-time low(plus, no fire-walls) and try cooking for a change.
Take a tip from the Smirnoff ad: "Life's calling, where are you??"
Please pass on this message to all those colleagues whom you know stay back in office for everything other than work. And please do it before leaving time, dont stay back till midnight to forward this!!
Kidnapping a Sardar
There was a Sardarji (HARMEET SINGH) who was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for a ransom.
He went to a playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him,"I've kidnapped you." He then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put Rs.2,00,000 in a paperbag and put it beneath the mango tree on the north side of the city playground".
Signed: "A Sardarji".
HARMEET then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the HARMEET checked, and sure enough a paper bag was kept beneath the mango tree. The boy was sitting next to the bag. HARMEET opened up the bag and found the Rs.2,00,000 in cash with a note saying: "How can a sardarji do this to a fellow Sardarji? Take the money, and Please leave my son."
Signed: Another Sardarji
Cool Clock!
Check out this cool "manual" clock at
http://www.yugop.com/ver3/stuff/03/fla.html
Theory and Practice for a programmer
Theory is when you know something, but it doesn't work.
Practice is when something works, but you don't know why.
Programmers combine theory and practice: Nothing works and they don't know why.
