Good ones!
Sign on a famous beauty parlour window: "Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your Grandmother!!"
Advertisement in Pune Shop : Guitar, for sale.......cheap...........no strings attached.
Sign in a bar : "Those .....drinking to forget........ please pay in advance."
Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.
A Spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
Smoking helps you lose weight ... one lung at a time!
When I read about the evils of drinking...I gave up.............reading.
My Grandfather is eighty and still doesn't need glasses... He drinks straight out of the bottle.
I always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants Black Coffee.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, Snore and you sleep alone.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is the fact that it has never tried to contact us.
Seen on a bulletin board: Success is relative. More the success, more the relatives.
Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay: We need your heads to run our business.
A traffic slogan: Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough or else they will never be.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
War does not determine who is right. War determines who is left.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
Smile. Keep everyone confused.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
If swimming is such good exercise, how come whales are so fat?
Space is a dangerous place...especially if it's between your ears.
Life is like a grammar lesson. You find the past perfect and the present tense.
One liners
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.
The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
I say no to drugs they just don't listen
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
Born free, taxed to death.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on
your pants.
The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll
believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted,
he has to touch it to be sure.
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
(From jokes4all.net)
Cool! Flock rocks!
Tried this cool new browser today! Flock!! Amazing! Pretty neat features and keeping with Mozilla's (Oh! Did I mention that was Flock was by Mozilla) reputation of stability!
technorati tags:Technology
Blogged with Flock
Classic Definitions & Cool Meanings
- Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end &a fool at the other.
- Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
- Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
- Divorce : Future tense of marriage
- Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
- Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
- Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
- Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.
- Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.
- Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
- Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
- Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
- Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
- Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
- Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
- Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
- Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sitto decide that nothing can be done together.
- Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
- Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
- Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
- Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
- Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
- Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
- Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
- Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
- Father : A banker provided by nature.
- Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
- Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
- Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
- Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
- Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails...
GRE Student Vs Normal Person
GRE STUDENT : Individuals having abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.
NORMAL PERSON : People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
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GRE STUDENT : Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim.
NORMAL PERSON : Twinkle, twinkle, little star
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GRE STUDENT: All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
NORMAL PERSON : All that glitters is not gold.
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GRE STUDENT : Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
NORMAL PERSON : Beggars are not choosers
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GRE STUDENT : Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.
NORMAL PERSON : Dead men tell no tales
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GRE STUDENT : Neophyte's serendipity.
NORMAL PERSON : Beginner's luck
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GRE STUDENT : A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.
NORMAL PERSON : A rolling stone gathers no moss
*******************************************************
GRE STUDENT: Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.
NORMAL PERSON : Birds of a feather flock together
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GRE STUDENT : Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
NORMAL PERSON : Beauty is only skin deep
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GRE STUDENT : Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
NORMAL PERSON : Cleanliness is godliness
*******************************************************
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately departed lactile fluid.
NORMAL PERSON : There's no use crying over spilt milk
*******************************************************
GRE STUDENT : It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.
NORMAL PERSON : You can't try to teach an old dog new tricks
*******************************************************
GRE STUDENT : Surveillance should precede saltation.
NORMAL PERSON : Look before you leap
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GRE STUDENT : The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.
NORMAL PERSON : He who laughs last, laughs best
*******************************************************
GRE STUDENT : Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow.
NORMAL PERSON : All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
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GRE STUDENT : Where there are visible vapours having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
NORMAL PERSON : Where there's smoke, there's fire!
************************************************************
Call Center Calls!!
CALL CENTRE JOBS: PEOPLE WONDER WHY THEY R PAID SO MUCH......FOR JUST BEING ON THE PHONE. TAKE A LOOK:
1)
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
2)
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support:" Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
3)
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."!
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
4)
Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
5)
Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen,can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
6)
Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
7)
Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
8)
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
9)
Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
10)
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
11)
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
12)
Customer: "How do I print my voice mail?"
13)
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support:"What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
14)
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
15)
Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
16)THIS ONE IS GOOD
A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our Customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
MBA Lessons
Professor at IIM A was explaining Marketing concepts:
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.
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You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's
Very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.
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You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you
call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.
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You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour
her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it,
offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you
marry me?"
That's Public Relations.
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You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich..."
That's Brand Recognition.
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You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm very rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback!!!!!
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You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm very rich. Marry me!"
And she introduces you to her husband.
That's Demand and supply gap.
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You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and before you say, "I'am very rich. Marry me!"
She turns her face towards you ------------ she is your wife!
That's competition eating into your market share.
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